“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change”. (Dr Wayne Dyer)
“The act of being wise is the ability to know what should be ignored. The act of will activates neural circuits”. (William James)
It seems timely to consider how our emotional intelligence (EI) plays a part in how we are holding up, both in normal times, and the current state of play.
There are several different representations of EI. For the purposes of this article, I suggest we run with the following:
Let’s look at how each component can support us, or sabotage us, and our levels of energy.
So, self-awareness has an enormous part to play in relation to our energy. Understanding our triggers, or what trips us up, what depletes us, is crucial for levels of motivation and verve.
“Wisdom is knowing what weakens us”. (Dr Wayne Dyer)
Awareness of others also impacts. Again, knowledge of our tolerance and intolerance towards some people, styles, situations, attitudes, etc. is important. And then, being able to anticipate the likely impact on our energy and “at-peace-dom”, then plan for, and thus mitigate the potential risk of being adversely impacted, is going to be an enabler for energy.
Management of self – all of the good physiological obvious suspects are critical to our energy (sleep, exercise, nutrition, replenishment). Then the second tier areas to focus on include mind habits. Identify those you have down pat that are supportive and constructive, such as
· growth mindset,
· acceptance versus resistance (suffering = pain X resistance),
· identification of what you can and can’t control,
· seeking support in the form of others, information, good experiences,
· constructive forms of distraction,
then identify those that are less supportive.
· What are your saboteurs?
· What assumptions do you tend to make (chicken and egg) when you are energy depleted or that lead you to be more depleted?
· What are your cognitive biases of choice, and how are they serving you (or not)?
What do you know of yourself that enables you, that is generative? As opposed to those things that lead you down the rabbit hole of energy depletion, and keep you there? Enabling practices include thinking practises- e.g. adopting supportive mindsets, such as the notion that cumulative steps (i.e. even just 5 minutes investment in something) are all positive. They mean you are moving forward, hence the highly supportive nature of measuring input of time and effort, versus only acknowledging success once something is achieved or completed. Another term for this is ‘process versus end goals’.
Things that deplete our energy include
· a low sense of control,
· a lack of clarity,
· a lack of support,
· not being or feeling valued,
· not being or feeling included,
· not being able to make sense of your contribution to your own or a broader purpose.
Antidotes – for Improving Management of Self;
For lack of control; management of expectations; contact your key stakeholders - revisit what you each expect of each other, and clarify what is, and is not in your control, and make a decision, for this moment in time, to be accepting of what is.
For lack of clarity – as above, and add a heightened level of consciousness to what you hear, read and see is expected of you, and then overtly check the theory. That is, connect, confirm, ask, seek counsel, do not back away from this (if you do, it may speak to an unhelpful assumption or two that you hold about your right to set yourself up to achieve what you need to, or more likely, an issue of confidence in yourself, that has you backing away from representing yourself as you deserve to).
For lack of support, connect. Connect with firstly, your safest people, and share your concerns. Build up your courage through this to then reach out to those who support you. Clarify what you would like from them, and then ask for it. ASK FOR IT. At the moment, almost everyone is operating in a compromised state and is struggling to know what they need themselves, never mind being able to second guess what others want or need.
For not feeling valued - a self-assessment is required. Are you representing yourself sufficiently well, so that people know what you do and bring, and can therefore appreciate you? Or are you presuming that people should know? They may well know, or not, but they are forgetting to let you know how much they appreciate you. In addition, check in whether you also may be at risk of not acknowledging and appreciating someone else and their efforts.
For not being included - this may feel hard, or uncomfortable; however, small steps work wonders. Identify a number of people with whom you would like to be connecting more. Identify the ones who feel like the easiest to reach out to. Send them an invite or call them for a half hour virtual cuppa. We are seeing almost everyone feeling so validated when they receive an invite just to “be” with someone, as opposed to receiving an agenda-driven request.
Finally, management of others. When we have got our tank full again, of course we are in a better position to look outwards to support and enable others. This will, in turn, support us. But reminding ourselves that there is a very real possibility that some of the difficulties we are encountering for ourselves are being experienced by others is a really big first start. Because each time we share something of ourselves, particularly, something that is a point of vulnerability, we become far more relatable to others. Of course we don’t need to share all our flaws (!) but letting people know of some of our cracks enables them to want to connect. It’s called the Pratfall effect; our likeability increases if we aren’t perfect. A last point, but a really important one, is about compassion. For ourselves. For others. This can really help us down tools, breath out, see our respective humanity, and be more appreciative.
Stay safe
Jenny McKay
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